Goodbye, Cheryl Cole - and Good Riddance

As Cheryl Cole is revealed to be swapping 'The X Factor' for Los Angeles, Bryony Gordon is thrilled that the nation's supposed sweetheart is finally out of her hair.

The Queen announced a national day of mourning yesterday as it was revealed that Cheryl Cole will be leaving the United Kingdom to present the American version of The X Factor. In an unprecedented move, Her Majesty addressed the nation in a broadcast televised during the first ad break of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! “One is shocked and saddened to learn that Miss Cole has decided to leave the country of her birth,” said the Queen. “It is a dark day for Great Britain, for Europe, and above all, for Girls Aloud. My thoughts go out to Nadine, Sarah, Nicola and Kimberley at this difficult time as they mourn the passing of their careers.”

Sportsmen across the country donned black armbands emblazoned with the word CHERYL stitched in Swarovski crystals. “It just felt like the right thing to do,” wept Cheryl’s ex-husband Ashley Cole. Flags were flown at half mast at Topshop branches around the country. The high-street store also rushed out Victorian-style mourning brooches, which sold out within seconds, causing riots in Colchester, Preston and Norwich.

“We understand that you are upset, but we will never condone violence,” said David Cameron in a statement to the Commons. “I have spoken personally to Sir Phillip Green, and he has assured me that Topshop are working round the clock to produce more of these marvellous brooches, and that all proceeds will go to the Cheryl Cole Foundation for Failed Talent Show Contestants.”

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