Simon Cowell's sweater and sincere gaze echo the demeanour of Idol judge Jennifer Lopez in the spoof

Applauding and praising tuneless auditions, cosying up to fellow judges, driving an environmentally-friendly car and wearing a pink jumper - it all adds up to Simon Cowell's worst nightmare.

But there is a seam of reality in the first X Factor USA promo, because the crew are cheekily sending up Cowell's former U.S. show, American Idol.

The action opens in an audition room that looks suspiciously like the hotel room used in the hit show, and the panel of judges are dressed in pastel hues, a favourite palette of Jennifer Lopez.

An immediate focus on positivity is evident - which was the all pervading force of the last Idol series, even between the judges, thanks to the sardonic British producer's departure.

Simon, clad in cotton candy cashmere, leads the way by lavishing praise upon awful acts and holding hands with Paula Abdul, while all the judges make emotional gesticulations, like the Idol Panel.

But perhaps the most obvious dig is Paula Abdul's opening remark that the young girl who murders Tomorrow from the film Annie has 'spirit.'

It directly echoes an American Idol trailer which features Jennifer Lopez telling a contestant: 'I feel a spirit comes out of your voice.'

When Simon responds: 'I can't believe I'm going to say this, but that's exactly the word I was going to use, I love your spirit,' it's an echo of Aerosmith's Steve Tyler's effusive affirmations.

This is most definitely Simon Cowell setting out his stall, the promo implicitly promises that the X Factor USA will have the edge over all over other talent shows.

And as the X Factor is on Fox, the same network as Idol, it's a typically audacious piece of bombast from the celebrated producer.

The promo opens with Simon sitting with his fellow X Factor judges Paula Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger and L.A Reid, wearing a pink cable knit jumper.

A small girl then presents herself to them and starts to sing Tomorrow from Annie very badly.

But rather than cut her off after a couple of notes, Simon patiently waits for her to finish, claps and says, 'That's what I've been waiting for.'

Abdul, to Simon's left, praises the plucky child's spirit, and as the camera pans to the dream-breaker, there's a sharp intake of breath.

But woolly blush-sporting Simon says: 'I can't believe I'm going to say this, but that's exactly the word I was going to use, I love your spirit.'

A voiceover from Cowell goes on to say, against the backdrop of him meeting and greeting contestants: 'Let's face it, a year is a long time, we all change our attitudes and this is a different decade.'

As he continues with, 'It's a new decade, it's not about me anymore, it's about them', the video cuts to a man murdering Celtic classic Danny Boy with Simon shouting to him: 'I love you!'

The voiceover continues with Simon saying, 'I wanna make people's dreams come true. I even think about the environment', before it cuts to him getting into a Chevrolet Volt, a plug-in, hybrid car.

As he switches on the car radio, 'Tomorrow' blares out and a terrible cacophony of contestants singing engulfs him.

And in dream style fashion, the image wobbles before cutting to Cowell waking up in his penthouse apartment bedroom in a cold sweat.

He declares: 'Wow. What a horrible nightmare.'

The opening bars of Gun 'N' Roses's cover version of Wings' Live and Let Die then kicks in before Simon is seen speeding off in one of his ridiculously expensive sports cars as he smirks at the camera.

From then on in, it's all sharp tailoring, fast cars, helicopters and razor-sharp remarks.

We see our four judges emerge from a private jet looking like they mean business, and as the action scenes progress - a series of clips featuring Simon lambasting contestants and falling out with Abdul is interspersed.

He then smiles at the camera from behind his steering wheel and says: 'Well, what else did you expect?'

Simon said tonight of the promo: 'I sort of ‘dreamt’ the promo – seriously I did. I woke up and I can't remember whether it was a nightmare or a dream but I remember laughing when I woke up and I quickly wrote it down.

'I don’t know what’s been more fun, making the second half, the girls, the cars and the planes and all the excessive things, or faking the first part which was just so funny. Me sitting there in a pink sweater and LA in this weird pink shirt and we are sitting there trying to look enthusiastic about these singers - it was just one of the funniest days I’ve ever had in my life.

'The idea was what was the most inappropriate thing I could wear and it was either going to be pink or yellow - so we got all these sweaters and the pink one just stood out!

'We wanted to make something which showed what the show ‘could’ have been, my nightmare basically, then transitioning into what we really are and I thought it would be fun to make that.

'I literally really imagined my worst nightmare, and I put myself into that place and it was that.. Me, loving this song, Paula and I holding hands and I’m now turning into Paula everything is just... awful!. I just suspended my disbelief!'

The X Factor has it's two-Night Series premiere Wednesday, Sept. 21 at 8/7c and Thursday, Sept. 22 at 8/7c on FOX.

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Cheryl Cole was given X Factor USA job to 'pacify' Simon Cowell, says Sharon Osbourne

Former X Factor star Sharon Osbourne has claimed that Cheryl Cole was only offered the job on the American version of the TV show to 'pacify' Simon Cowell who fought for her.

The outspoken reality star also said Cheryl would not have been sacked from the show because of her Geordie accent.

Speaking in an online interview, Sharon said: 'That little guy from Fox, Mike Darnell, went to England so many times to see her. He'd been over to England so many bloody times watching X Factor so he knew what he was getting.

'Maybe they were pacifying Simon by letting him have Cheryl.' Meanwhile, Sharon also revealed she believed Dannii Minogue did not quit the UK show but was axed.

'I don't think Dannii was pushed,' Sharon cackled. 'I think she was f*****g thrown.

'I didn't enjoy working with her but to hand it to her she ended up being really good on the show, she did do good and held her own and you've got to hand it to her.

'I don't care about what she wrote about me in her book. When people say things about you, if you don't respect that person or like that person, what does it matter to you.

'People can only hurt you if you really like that person and they don't like you, then it's hurtful.'

Sharon also revealed how her husband Ozzy has been 'sex-texting' her after learning how to use a mobile phone.

Sharon, 58, who is now a judge on America's Got Talent, was shocked to receive a 'filthy' message from her 62-year-old rocker husband while he was touring in Europe last week.

She said: I got a text I got a text from Ozzy and I'm like, 'Jesus, somebody's stolen his phone'.

'Because I thought somebody found his phone and they were texting me dirty messages.

'And Silvana my assistant goes, 'Oh my God, Ozzy's just sent you this really dirty text'. And I'm like, 'Well it's not him, somebody must have stolen his phone, he can't text'.

Sharon's remarks come just a day after Cheryl Cole finally broke her silence following her X Factor USA firing last month.

The singer posted a blog on her official website telling her fans she was 'absolutely fine' and saying she had had 'the weirdest past few weeks'.

'I have had the time that I have not had in so long to just chill with my loved ones and do the normal things that I like to do. See my friends and family and be with my doggys :D.' she wrote.

'It feels long overdue and sooooo good, even my feet are happy to not have to wear a pair of high heels hehe.'

And despite reports over the weekend that the 27-year-old planned to take a break from the limelight Cheryl assured her fans she would soon be back.

'I have the BEST, most unbelievable people out there, who I feel so lucky to call my support system. You never fail to amaze me,' she added. 'I have been reading your letters and opening my prezzies ( I feel very spoilt ) and hearing all of your kind, special and inspiring things you want to say to me.

You are my little soldiers and you mean the world to me.Remember what I tell you, stay strong, keep calm and carry on ;) I'll speak to you all soon when I have some new news, until then I salute you :)'

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Paula Hamilton lost her virginity to Simon Cowell at 16

Model Paula Hamilton, one of the most famous faces of the 1980s, has revealed that she lost her virginity to Simon Cowell.

Miss Hamilton, 50, star of the  decade’s iconic Volkswagen Golf  TV commercial, says she was 16 at  the time.

She says in today’s Daily Mail Weekend magazine that she lost her virginity to ‘a boy called Simon’ – the man who grew up to be the X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent Svengali whose fortune is valued at £200million.

She and Cowell were childhood sweethearts while growing up in leafy Hertfordshire in the 1970s, she said.

She also claimed that, in contrast to his Mr Nasty image on TV, he was ‘very, very protective’ and stopped teachers vilifying her.

She went on: ‘I couldn’t read or write until I was 11. So I was called stupid and bullied by teachers. Simon was really important to me because he stopped them picking on me.’

As well as being her adolescent knight in shining armour, Cowell could also be a rebel. According to Miss Hamilton – a reformed alcoholic and cocaine addict – the first time she was ever drunk was with Cowell.

‘He was funny and rebellious like me,’ she said. ‘Alcohol made the feelings inside me go away.’

Discovered by photographer David Bailey, Miss Hamilton became one of the modelling stars of the 1980s.

Her role in the 1987 VW Golf ad symbolised the growing economic independence of British women. In it, she is seen leaving a house, flinging off her pearls and her wedding ring, but keeping the keys to the car.

‘If only everything in life was as reliable as a Volkswagen,’ ran the tagline.

In the intervening years, Miss Hamilton has struggled with her addictions and a complicated personal life.

She had a brief marriage to a cameraman in 1987 as well as a disastrous affair with the billionaire former Conservative party vice-chairman Lord Ashcroft. In the 1990s she was  engaged to film-maker Henry Cole.

Miss Hamilton also tells Weekend how she had an affair with cricketer Ed Giddins, who played four Test matches for England and is more than ten years her junior. The pair met while filming the new Channel 4 show Celebrity Five Go To… South Africa.

Miss Hamilton – who has been diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia – said she had her first ‘grown-up’ relationship with Giddins, 39, although they are now just friends.

Cowell, 51, was engaged to singer Sinitta and had a six-year relationship with TV presenter Terri Seymour. He is engaged to make-up artist Mezhgan Hussainy, 37. His spokesman was unavailable for comment.

Now read the interview in full

Paula Hamilton was 16 when she lost her virginity to ‘a boy called Simon’. They’d known one another from the age of 12 and he was, she says, ‘very, very protective of me’. ‘I couldn’t read or write until I was 11,’ she explains. ‘So I was called stupid and bullied by teachers. Simon was really important to me because he stopped them picking on me.’

What she neglects to mention, though, is that this Simon is, in fact, Simon Cowell. Why? Well, it just hasn’t occurred to her. That first love was 34 years ago now, but Paula still lights up when she talks about Cowell. ‘He was funny and rebellious like me,’ she says. ‘The first time I got drunk was with Simon. Alcohol made the feelings inside me go away.’

Paula was the ‘face of the Eighties’ who powered through that decade on drugs, drink and outrageous behaviour, throwing away a successful modelling career as carelessly as she chucked away her pearls, fur and wedding ring (but not the car keys) in a memorable advert for a VW Golf.

Today, aged 50, she’s been sober for five years and, for the first time in her life, actually likes being in her flawless skin. So much so that she’s happy to chat openly about Cowell and any other lover I mention.

Yet Paula doesn’t get the art of conversation. In truth, she doesn’t get people at all. One moment, her bikini bottoms are around her ankles to show me she doesn’t have a single grey hair – ‘anywhere’; the next she’s juggling her surgically enhanced breasts, boasting, ‘These are cash and carry.’ In short, the Paula I meet is just as I expect: still stunningly beautiful but totally exasperating, with a mind spinning in different directions like a whirling dervish.

I expected this because, beforehand, I’ve spoken to the dyslexia assessment specialist Katherine Kindersley. Four years ago, following exhaustive tests, she diagnosed Paula as suffering from severe dyslexia and dyspraxia (an impairment that affects the ability to organise one’s thoughts). While her verbal reasoning skills place her in the top five per cent of her age group, her ability to control her language
and thinking is like a child’s.

Astonishingly, despite the many years she’s spent in therapy, her condition went undetected until the age of 47. Instead, she was said to be bipolar, stuffed full of heavy-duty antidepressants and sent on her way. Today Paula manages her condition through the techniques Ms Kindersley has taught her, combined with a healthy diet. ‘When I was diagnosed I was euphoric. I thought, “Now I understand why I’ve never felt normal.”

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